Music Toes - by Alexander Hine

With a highly worrying look in his eye, Doug tramped through the glass he had so expertly shattered on the twinkling pavement and produced a small lightbulb from his pocket. All at once the burn on my finger took its appointed place in a series of swiftly remembered events, which had almost ended in catastrophe.
But before we get to that, the beginning. We, Aaron, Doug and I, had decided on the psychedelic, Zappa-esque Twelve Tone Diamonds for our Friday night foray into Fitzroy on the strength of their excellent “New Twin”, which we mumbled about enthusiastically whilst ravaging with tooth and tongue the shank of a young lamb, slaughtered beyond the bounds of our experience. A band such as the Diamonds are best appreciated through the lens of a certain mindset. This set of mind we achieved with a finely balanced mix of abstract violence, guarana, cocoa-leaf liqueur, cheap red wine, fruity lexia* and 10 jugs of Carlton Draught. Having ingested the second and third items on this list, we set off with a bottle of the fifth along the tram lines of this fine and degraded city of Melbourne.

The gig in question was taking place at 'Bar Open' in Fitzroy, host to many musical delights, where I had, the previous Friday, witnessed with joy the trombonist from The Bone Palace Orchestra Really Long Link climbing the walls and swinging from the aircon system fifteen feet above the audience, causing me to scream uncontrollably "Swing wider, further! Swing harder!" But anyway, the Twelve Tone Diamonds had already started playing when we arrived, so we settled in with our beer and examined them. They were something quite spectacular to behold. Comprising seven members who play drums, bass, guitar, an array of percussion, whistle, alto sax, tenor sax and their voice-boxes variously, Twelve Tone Diamonds are essentially a jam band, sounding at times very much like early Mothers of Invention recordings and at others like a straight (well, a Miles Davis/John Coltrane version of 'straight) Jazz band. The band have a very organic sound, flying seamlessly through time signatures and moods, with a phenomenal feel for shape and colour in their music, and a refreshing taste for expressive dynamics: so often lacking in live bands. The guitarist and the sax players all took a generous number of exhilarating, melodic and angular solos, and the rhythm section were rock solid, fluid and incredibly vigorous.

If the band have a flaw, (which they do, the one I'm going to tell you about), it is that after a few songs the jamming all blends into one fairly smooth and slightly dull sound. Rather than keeping you interested with catchy riffs, memorable melodies or lyrics, the Diamonds keep hitting you with sizzling solos, interesting rhythms, excellent arrangements and dynamic stances. Though these things are all enjoyable in their way, they start to become somewhat boring when there is nothing besides - I'm a sucker for a melody and a sweet lyric here or there.
That said, Twelve Tone Diamonds are highly recommended as a live band - Aaron and I were thrown into fits of raving by the guitar and sax solos and we were all of us mesmerized by the exquisite and married (damnit!) percussionist/whistleist/voca list, whose sense of timing and finesse with a mallet/stick/whistle were beautiful to see and hear. The overall effect of the music, in fact, got Doug so excited that he stole the light-bulb from one of the toilets, causing a number of people to yell at each other about having to shit in the dark, until candles were finally supplied.
And that is where my finger and its burn come into things. Feeling elated by the energetic meanderings of the band, I lit a toilet roll on those very candles and watched, stricken, as it was consumed by flame at an ungodly speed, burning my finger and forcing me to throw it into the bowl, urinate on it, and shove it conscientiously behind the toilet bowl, before making my escape. Thank god I ignored my first instinct to throw it maniacally into the overflowing waste paper bin - an urge that struck me like a fist in the balls and took all my will to overcome.
At the end of the night, we left yelling, dancing, singing at the traffic and running a merry muck through the city. And I spent the cab ride home in conversation with the part of me that regretted not having burnt the bar to the ground in a hellish firestorm of doom.
The Twelve Tone Diamonds, despite the One Flaw, were fantastic, and in fact are fantastic. I highly recommend that anyone with the opportunity to see them, hug them, buy their merchandise, or subscribe to their newsletter should do so at once, or at the nearest juncture thereto.
Good, good. Have fun with yourselves. See music, read graffiti, laugh at children and all the other desiderata of these mesmerizing days.

* Fruity Lexia is an appalling "wine" drunk throughout Australia by idiots like me. It is also known as the '2 buck chuck', 'the dreaded sac' and a 'goon sac'. Fruity Lexia tastes awful but is dirt cheap, the evil medicine comes in four Litre casks and can only rightfully be skulled, spat out, mixed with cheap OJ or used to play 'goon of fortune*

* Goon of fortune involves pegging a sac of Fruity Lexia to a clothesline (of the Hills Hoist variety), spinning the clothesline, and then skulling ludicrous amounts of goon when the sac stops at you